Hearts and Rainbows
by Kell-D
Summary: I know I'm fake. I was good at it, as I was with anything I worked at, but I had no idea that meaningless small talk could be so offensive. NOT YAOI Rated for language


**Hearts and Rainbows**

**This little piece of idiocy came to me last night. My muse (Jack) attacked me and wouldn't leave me alone until I wrote this stupid thing. It's really just crack…I don't even know 0_o**

**Beta'd by Mishiko Shinsei**

I never knew I could be this happy. Actually, happy doesn't quite express how I really feel, but for lack of a better word it'll have to do. Fucking happy? That's it. Goddamn fucking happy. Why I'd settled for less all these years is completely beyond me. I mean, I like to think I'm a pretty smart man. No, fuck that. I know I'm a smart man. I'm a fucking brilliant man. The most brilliant man anyone…in any world…will ever know. Period!

I'm still the same man I was. An honest, handsome, perverted businessman. Only when I say _honest_ now, I'm actually being…well, honest. How did this change come about? It was all pretty ridiculous. Fantastic really.

It had been a normal afternoon in Karakura. And by normal I mean boring. Ichigo, my favorite student and only source of amusement these days, would come by to spar after school. Not saying that sparring the kid is boring. Don't get me wrong, he's strong. Too strong for his own good really, but the fact is…I made Ichigo what he is and the Hogyoku was the first and the last thing I'd ever make that I wouldn't be able to control. He would never beat me in a _real_ fight and he knew it. Still, he'd exceeded every expectation I'd ever had for him.

I'd been at my leisure, having some tea, when the last person I'd ever expect to see strode into the shop; Zaraki Kenpachi, his nameless sword slung over his shoulder. Of course he was looking for Ichigo. Said he wanted a good spar. Figured. I just smiled that fake smile and waved that stupid fan. Told him he could wait. Offered him some tea, which he declined; the unrefined bastard.

Of course I ended up talking to pass the time. It would be at least three hours until Ichigo would have found his way there. Having a conversation with Kenpachi was like talking to a Siberian tiger. He'd grunt, yawn and look at you like he wanted to eat you. Eventually he told me to shut up, which didn't surprise me. What he said next did however.

"You're the fakest person I've ever met." He had the nerve to sound annoyed.

I rarely find myself at a loss for words, but I did then. Now, like I said, I'm a smart man. I know I'm fake. I was good at it, as I was with anything I worked at, but I had no idea that meaningless small talk could be so offensive.

Staring at him blankly was obviously not the response he'd wanted. He'd stood rather suddenly with a snort, turning his nose up at me in the process. "I'll wait outside," he'd grunted. "I didn't come here to sit here and listen to you talk all nice about people I know ya hate. And if you don't hate them…you should. I do. They piss me off."

I continued to stare at him like the idiot I wasn't. My first thought was, _My god! He's not an idiot_. My second was, _I sure am hungry._

"Ain't you supposed to be some kinda genius?" the brute had asked. I'd assumed the question was rhetorical so I didn't answer. It wasn't.

"You gonna answer me or sit there and look stupid?"

I'd strongly considered the latter, but thought better of it. "I am," I'd answered, still completely dumbfounded. "A genius I mean…not the part about sitting here and looking stupid," I'd added for clarification.

"Then why do you let people disrespect you the way they do? Don't you ever say what ya feel? Ain't you got any pride at all?"

It was a perfectly legitimate question. "Not really, no."

"If I was you-"

"But you're not," I'd interrupted.

"You bet your ass I'm not."

I'd chuckled. I was beginning to like this savage.

"The old man would never use me like he does you." He'd continued. "He's always askin' you for some shit and you're always givin' it to 'em. Next time he asks you to do something, I'd ask him 'Where the fuck is my pardon? Until I get that, you can kiss my ass."

At that I'd laughed outright. This man was more amusing than Ichigo with all his boyish delusions. I was entranced by his idiotic brilliance.

Again the brute looked on me with disdain. "I can't stand people that act weak."

I quirked an eyebrow.

"Like I said, you're fake." With that, he'd exited the shop. I suppose I'd ruined his day because he didn't wait for Ichigo. He just opened a Senkaimon and went straight back to Soul Society.

I had a couple good laughs about our little encounter over the next couple of days, but soon all was forgotten. That is until a few weeks later when Rukia came in to buy something. I can't remember what now, but it really doesn't matter. The conversation went as our conversations always do. Her demanding something of me, and me smiling and fanning foolishly. Then, as was normal practice with her and Ichigo she punched me right in the face. It was a solid hit. Not as hard as Hiyori, but there was definite power behind it. Usually, I'd just laugh like an idiot and go nurse my wound, but something that day was different. As my eyes watered from the blow, I found myself thinking, _She wouldn't dare do something like that to Yoruichi or her beloved nii-sama. _

Before I knew what was happening I'd hit her back. Open palm. Right across the face. She flew out the door, breaking it, just as Ururu and Jinta came from the back. They stood silent and stunned. I looked at my hand as if it had spoken to me. Turning to look at the children I could do nothing but shrug.

"She hit me first," I'd explained. The next time I saw the Kuchiki princess things seemed back to normal. At first I thought she didn't remember. I'd hit her pretty hard after all. Then I noticed she treated me with a lot more respect. She even took to tacking on a _sama_ at the end of my name. I'd always wanted to be a _sama_.

A few weeks later, Ichigo came by after school, as he always did. I was enjoying some of Ururu's tea, as I always did. We exchanged pleasantries, and then I suppose I said something the strawberry might not have agreed with, because before I knew it, his foot was off the ground and quickly closing in on my face.

I'd grabbed his leg and slammed him on the ground before he could bat an eye, swirling my ridiculously strong reiatsu around him for good measure. By the look on his face you'd have thought a miniature alien head had come out my mouth and took a bite at him. It was priceless.

Life was good after that. Rukia and Ichigo had undoubtedly spread the word that I had gone completely mad. I didn't mind though. I was happier than I'd been in years and was a _sama_ five times over.

Then it came time for the long anticipated war. The Soul Society was preparing for Aizen's attack and I was ready to serve that bastard's ass up to him on a platter for all the trouble he'd put me through.

I sat in my shop with Tessai and the kids in front of a large video monitor. The Head-Captain was going on about something or other. I just sat in obedient silence and listened to the Captain's meeting that I shouldn't have even been a part of. Right before my eyes began to glaze over, he called out my name. He then proceeded to ask me 'to make it possible for the Gotei 13 to battle in Karakura town'. Impossible? Not for me.

"Can you do this Urahara?" he asked in his gravelly voice. I thought for a moment and studied the hopeful faces of the Captains. Then I caught Kenpachi's smug expression; it was the same look of disdain he'd given me that day he'd come to wait for Ichigo. I couldn't help but crack a smile at the memory. I was such a sucker.

I looked back to the Head-Captain. "Where the fuck is my pardon? Until I get that, you can kiss my ass." The completely horrified expressions on all the faces of the captain's, except for Shunsui and Kenpachi, made all the shit I'd taken from them over the years totally worth it. The feed was cut right after Zaraki let out a gut busting cackle.

The next day I received a not so surprising visit from the captain of the eleventh division. On his shoulder was a pink fluff. I told the pink fluff that it could have as much candy as it wanted from the shelves.

"Oh Ken-chan, this is the best day ever! I'm so happy!" It ran from shelf to shelf grabbing everything within its reach.

The fluff had a name. "Yachiru! Don't be so loud! You give me a headache," the brute rasped.

"Sorry," the fluff screeched. "I'm just so happy! It's…it's like hearts and rainbows." She spun around with reckless abandon.

Me and the brute sat and drank. Neither of us spoke, not for a good while. Hours had passed when I guess Kenpachi couldn't take it anymore.

"So how's it feel to be real?"

I thought for a moment…sipped my sake…listened to the pink fluff squeal. Then the answer came to me.

"Like hearts and fucking rainbows."

**That just happened…REVIEW?**


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